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NOTE FROM CHRIS:

The Top5 writers and I will be observing radio silence as we celebrate
the Fourth of July on Thursday and the Fifth of Bourbon on Friday.

A version of today's list was first published way back on July 8, 1997.

Happy Independence Day, Americans!

The Top 10 Signs You Hired The Wrong Fireworks Expert | Business card reads, "Sponsored by St. Luke's Burn Unit." Teaches the kids to free up their hands by lighting fireworks in their mouth. His grand finale involves pork & beans and a Bic lighter. The punk he keeps trying to light has face tattoos and a nose ring. Big 4th of July show ends with 50-foot tall sparkling message: "Happy Bar Mitzvah, Howie Goldfarb." Theme of the fireworks display: "The Jihad Against the Beer Swilling Pigs Begins!" Tied a monkey to a skyrocket "so's I can get me a grant from NASA!" Wants to know if he can "borrow" your dog for the finale. Insists on humming the "Mission Impossible" theme every time he lights a fuse. For kicks, sticks roman candle in empty eye socket and chases kids around.

The Top 10 Signs You Hired The Wrong Fireworks Expert | Selected from 143 submissions from 50 contributors. Business card reads, "Sponsored by St. Luke's Burn Unit." (George Olson, Colorado Springs, CO | Alexander Clemens, San Francisco, CA | David G. Scott, Kansas City, MO) Teaches the kids to free up their hands by lighting fireworks in their mouth. (David W. James, Los Angeles, CA) His grand finale involves pork & beans and a Bic lighter. (Sam Evans, Charleston, SC | Beth Kohl, Chicago, IL | Sue Prifogle, Rushville, IN | Jennifer Ritzinger, Seattle, WA) The punk he keeps trying to light has face tattoos and a nose ring. (David G. Scott, Kansas City, MO) Big 4th of July show ends with 50-foot tall sparkling message: "Happy Bar Mitzvah, Howie Goldfarb." (Don Horton, Sacramento, CA) Theme of the fireworks display: "The Jihad Against the Beer Swilling Pigs Begins!" (David Kass, Brooklyn, NY) Tied a monkey to a skyrocket "so's I can get me a grant from NASA!" (Bill Muse, Seattle, WA) Wants to know if he can "borrow" your dog for the finale. (Ed Brooksbank, Sacramento, CA) Insists on humming the "Mission Impossible" theme every time he lights a fuse. (Kim Moser, New York, NY) For kicks, sticks roman candle in empty eye socket and chases kids around. (John Hering, Alexandria, VA)

Top5 for 7/3/24